VISIT TO Dr. JEFFREY R.
I love my doctor. I hate to see my doctor. I love him because he is a really good guy, and he is a really good doctor. I hate to see him because he always asks a lot of questions, takes a lot of blood, and seems to think it is important to probe me in the most intimate way.
When my x-wife used to get really pissed off at me she would either make an appointment to see a couple’s councilor or make an appointment for me to see Dr. R. I preferred to be emasculated by the couple’s councilor than being deflowered by Dr. R.
Dr. R greets you in the patient’s room with a big smile and some nice words. He doesn’t fool me; everything he does is seeking information. As he reaches out to shake your hand he also grabs your pulse with his left hand. He eyes you up and down checking the color of your skin bends in close to smell for breath or body odor, all the while keeping up a friendly banter. I don’t let him get away with it.
“Here Doc smell my arm pit, want to sniff my butt? What are you a doc or a dog?”
“Very funny, I’ll remember that when I put on the rubber glove.”
“Come on Doc, really? Are you going to at least buy me a drink first?”
“Twenty four thousand eight-hundred and twelve.”
“Twenty four thousand eight-hundred and twelve what?”
“Times I’ve heard that stupid joke.”
This week I had to see Dr. R because I have been experiencing periodic stomach pain and bloating. I thought it was just gas, but there was no belching or farting relief. I was afraid it might be gall stones, or an appendix or a problem with an organ I’ve never heard of.
After the usual touching, looking, sniffing and grilling formalities, Dr. R ruled out about fifty different possible ailments and then stated with confidence, “Diver-something-itis.” Well that’s what I heard. I was just glad my pain had a name and taking care of it would not require a knife.
Dr. R explained the condition to me, advised me on a diet change, took some blood, and just for good measure performed the dreaded cavity search. He then left to get me some information on Divertrichanosis.
I was very impressed with Dr. R. His diagnosis made sense, his suggested treatment with a high fiber diet made sense, and he was the consummate professional.
When he returned with a printout and began to explain the importance of a high fiber diet I could not take my eyes of a strange white glob of something enmeshed in his goatee.
“Excuse me Doc, but I find it difficult to give your instructions much credibility when you have a glob of gunk on your chin.”
“What?” Dr. R wiped his chin stared at the glob then looked at his nurse. “Do you think you could tell me when I have yogurt on my chin?” The Doc tried to act angry, but then just started to laugh. “Damn and I was on such a roll too.”
That’s why I like Dr. R, he is an excellent Doctor but he is also just a good guy.