As I get older, I think more and more about my bucket list – things I want to do before I move underground.
I am a simple man, my list is pretty short:
1. Catch a blue marlin
2. Bowl a 300 game
3. Shoot a hole-in-one
4. Join the ½ mile high club (I am afraid of hights)
5. Ask a famous person if he would like my autograph
6. Jump in a NYC cab and yell “follow that car”
7. Go to a fancy restaurant and order a box of wine
8. Rent a Porsche and park it in my driveway on Christmas Eve with a big red bow on the hood
As much as I want to achieve these things there is also a list of stuff I have never done and plan to meet my maker without ever doing them. I call this my F*CKIT list:
1. I have never shot a gun, I aim to keep it that way.
2. I will never have a threesome (there could be some wiggle room on this one).
3. I will never jump out of a plane with or without a parachute.
4. I will never go camping (I might be convinced to spend a night in a tent if it included #2).
5. I never ate a dill pickle I intend to keep it that way.
6. I have never masturbated.
8. I never let the air out of Miss Gromlick’s car when she failed me in Trigonometry, i'm not going to start now.
9. I have never keyed someone’s car after they pissed me off by taking my parking space that I had been waiting for last Christmas Eve at the Menlo Park Mall and I never will.
10. I have never gone to an Opera and plan to keep it that way.
11. I have never sang karaoke, never will.....fuckit!
12. I have never egged Mrs. Rosenthall’s house because she wouldn’t let me cut through her back yard as a short cut to my friend’s house when I was 12, why would I start now?
These are all things that I have never ever done and vow to never ever do.
What things are on your F*CKIT list?