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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I NEED A FILTER

I NEED A FILTER
A while back, I was visiting a friend and his wife whom I knew married years ago in somewhat of a hurry.  In an attempt to open a bottle of wine he was looking for a specific tool.  He asked his wife “could you hand me that rubber thing?”  I immediately responded, “If you had asked that question 40 years ago, you might not be married today.”
I need a filter.

This is why I do not like large parties with people I do not know very well.  I need a filter.  In lieu of a filter I often just shut the F up.  People often ask, “Why are you so quiet?”  Mrs. Cranky just interrupts with, “You really don’t want to know.”

People who know me realize that I am harmless.  If given the opportunity I will make fun of anybody and any subject.  Those whom are politically correct will gloss over stereotypes and controversial subjects.  I believe in attacking stereotypes and touchy subjects by either making a joke or just discussing a subject without a filter.  Avoiding subjects is to keep them in the closet.

RT - I like everyone I have ever met, and HATE everyone else.

My parent’s generation never mentioned the subject of homosexuality.  Every family had a “confirmed Bachelor Uncle” or a “spinster” Aunt.  Families did not have Gay friends or relatives.  I was twenty years old before I knew that a gay lifestyle even existed.  How’d that work out?  Pretty good if you were straight, not so good I’m guessing if you leaned in the other direction.

I know people who claim to be “Color Blind.”  “Oh I never notice if a person is white, brown, yellow or green.”  Yes you do!  It’s the first thing you notice.  When I’m at a party and a green person walks in, I notice right away!  “Look, a green person!” 

I need a filter.

When I meet a woman with a nice rack or a great butt, I will tell them.  “If you don’t mind me saying, you have a really nice ass.”  It is amazing how many women are not offended by such a comment.  However, some do not appreciate the attention.

I need a filter.

I do try and have a filter when I am around people I just met.  Here are some comments that got caught in my “Cocktail Party Filter.”

To the snotheads who put down great artwork as being “low-brow” and infantile:

“Fuck You, I love the ‘Dogs playing Poker’ and the ‘Cats with giant eyes’!

To the homeowners that are the “Good taste police”:

“I like plastic pink flamingos and mirror balls on a pedestal and I’m proud of it!”

To the “Thought patrol ass-holes” that want to protect everyone else from provocative thought or language:

“Screw you, Howard Stern is a fucking genius, and you’ve probably never heard his actual broadcast you PC moron!”

To the sports purists who make fun of anything not soccer, football, baseball, basketball, or golf:

“I like bowling thank you very much, and it is the only sport where you can drink and smoke while you participate.”

To the wine snobs of the world:

“I love the convenience of twist off caps and a box with a spigot.  Deal with it!”

To the idiot who when discussing a controversial book asked, “Do you believe EVERYTHING you read?”

“No, but I THINK about everything I read…you numbnuts!”

To anyone political:

“I may not like his politics either, but it is PRESIDENT Bush or PRESIDENT Obama.  Show some respect Dickhead!

And finally, to the TV snobs who “Only watch PBS”:

“Then you will go to your grave without gaining the infinite wisdom of JUDGE JUDY!!  

I need a filter.    

7 comments:

  1. Cranky Howard Stern is a genius
    I am also tired of being PC I am pretty open with my thoughts and if you don't like them tough shit you have the option to walk away. Do you and screw everyone else.

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  2. Amen! I much prefer people who tell the truth rather than hide behind pretense and politeness and whatever else. However, we will NOT discuss politics or religion at my family Thanksgiving gathering. It never bodes well..

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  3. First, just waned to say that before Howard Stern went to Sirius, my son was the guy who pushed the buttons that brought him to the Sacramento area. His little claim to fame.

    And second, I am in total agreement about the PBS people. If I hear one more person stick his/her nose in the air and say "I don't watch TV--except maybe PBS" I will scream.

    I need a filter too.

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  4. Trust me, it is NOT ONLY you! I find myself saying things before I think - most of them are funny (or meant to be) but they are just not taken that way!!

    Hop'n by from Monday Mingle Blog Hop'. I'm following your blog now, thank you for joining up with me. Wont you please come and join me again soon! ~KM

    Krafty Max Originals

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  5. I sometimes slip and say things. Sometimes I say them LOUDLY. No filter in the world will catch it all. Hooray for that!

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  6. Nothing wrong with exposing some intellectual wit!! However, I have the same problem, only when women have a filter issue, they are called some pretty nasty names, instead of chuckled at politely. Plus side of being the person who needs a filter, you are usually the most memorable person at the gathering!!

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  7. I think we would get along really well. I like telling it like it is and I'm not averse to compliments on my rack, though my feminist lecturers would hate to hear that.

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