I NEED A FILTER
A while back, I was visiting a friend and his wife whom I knew married years ago in somewhat of a hurry. In an attempt to open a bottle of wine he was looking for a specific tool. He asked his wife “could you hand me that rubber thing?” I immediately responded, “If you had asked that question 40 years ago, you might not be married today.”I need a filter.
This is why I do not like large parties with people I do not know very well. I need a filter. In lieu of a filter I often just shut the F up. People often ask, “Why are you so quiet?” Mrs. Cranky just interrupts with, “You really don’t want to know.”
People who know me realize that I am harmless. If given the opportunity I will make fun of anybody and any subject. Those whom are politically correct will gloss over stereotypes and controversial subjects. I believe in attacking stereotypes and touchy subjects by either making a joke or just discussing a subject without a filter. Avoiding subjects is to keep them in the closet.
RT - I like everyone I have ever met, and HATE everyone else.
My parent’s generation never mentioned the subject of homosexuality. Every family had a “confirmed Bachelor Uncle” or a “spinster” Aunt. Families did not have Gay friends or relatives. I was twenty years old before I knew that a gay lifestyle even existed. How’d that work out? Pretty good if you were straight, not so good I’m guessing if you leaned in the other direction.
I know people who claim to be “Color Blind.” “Oh I never notice if a person is white, brown, yellow or green.” Yes you do! It’s the first thing you notice. When I’m at a party and a green person walks in, I notice right away! “Look, a green person!”
I need a filter.
When I meet a woman with a nice rack or a great butt, I will tell them. “If you don’t mind me saying, you have a really nice ass.” It is amazing how many women are not offended by such a comment. However, some do not appreciate the attention.
I need a filter.
I do try and have a filter when I am around people I just met. Here are some comments that got caught in my “Cocktail Party Filter.”
To the snotheads who put down great artwork as being “low-brow” and infantile:
“Fuck You, I love the ‘Dogs playing Poker’ and the ‘Cats with giant eyes’!
To the homeowners that are the “Good taste police”:
“I like plastic pink flamingos and mirror balls on a pedestal and I’m proud of it!”
To the “Thought patrol ass-holes” that want to protect everyone else from provocative thought or language:
“Screw you, Howard Stern is a fucking genius, and you’ve probably never heard his actual broadcast you PC moron!”
To the sports purists who make fun of anything not soccer, football, baseball, basketball, or golf:
“I like bowling thank you very much, and it is the only sport where you can drink and smoke while you participate.”
To the wine snobs of the world:
“I love the convenience of twist off caps and a box with a spigot. Deal with it!”
To the idiot who when discussing a controversial book asked, “Do you believe EVERYTHING you read?”
“No, but I THINK about everything I read…you numbnuts!”
To anyone political:
“I may not like his politics either, but it is PRESIDENT Bush or PRESIDENT Obama. Show some respect Dickhead!
And finally, to the TV snobs who “Only watch PBS”:
“Then you will go to your grave without gaining the infinite wisdom of JUDGE JUDY!!”
I need a filter.