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Thursday, July 14, 2011

CRANKY OLD MAN'S SOCCER CHANGES

SOCCER NEEDS TO BE CHANGED

I just finished watching the USA beat France in the women’s World Cup semi-finals.  This was an exciting game, and I am almost becoming a soccer fan.  To complete the transition and turn myself and most of the USA into genuine soccer fans there needs to be some fundamental changes to this sport.

1.     The name should officially be changed from football to Soccer.  The “real” game of football involves pads, and 300 pound men hitting each other.  Every single play in the real FOOTBALL involves what would be at least 22 fouls in soccer.

2.    There is not enough scoring in soccer.  Americans cannot deal with 2-1 as a final score, or a team running out the clock after scoring a goal in the first minute of a game.

To add scoring:

A.       The off-sides penalty needs to be eliminated.  No one in this country understands this rule anyway, it causes too much controversy and it reduces scoring.

B.        Enlarge the size of the goal.  When was the goal size determined, 200 years ago?  Players are bigger.  Make the goal bigger.  I suggest adding one yard (that’s right, yard not meter) to the height and two yards to the width of the goal.  Let’s see some scoring from thirty yards out!

3.     Fouls should be limited to kicking a player above the knee, tackling from behind, and grabbing with the hands.  Faking an injury to draw a foul is annoying.  Players who go down and seem to be hurt must get up and limp for three minute of play or be ejected for faking.  Players guilty of a hand ball must wear hand-cuffs for five minutes. 

4.    Card colors for fouls are confusing.  They need to be replaced by two signs:  “That’s One” and “You’re Outta Here!”  

5.    Players should wear leather protective head gear.  I am tired of saying “Damn that’s gotta hurt!”

6.    Throw-ins should not require a sissy two handed over-head delivery.

7.    Finally, what the fuck is with the clock?  Why run for 90 minutes and then tack on stoppage time?  If play requires stoppage time….STOP THE FLIPPING CLOCK!!  Why do we have to guess?  And for Christmas sake START AT 90 MINUTES and run to ZERO!  What other sport’s clock starts at ZERO?  I want to know how much time is left without doing the math.

Just make these few simple changes and SOCCER will become a popular sport in the USA. 

What the hell does the rest of the world know?
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