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Saturday, June 4, 2011

CRANKY MAY TWEETS

MAY TWEETS
STUFF
Why can't governments mandate universal connections to charge cell phones and other devices?
With DNA tests and other forensics, these days it is murder getting away with murder!

OSAMA ASSASINATED

I watched the towers fall with several friends inside, for them, F U Osama, burn baby burn!!!

Osama, you are a hard worker, you kill real good, but Osama...your fired!!     (The announcement preempted “The Apprentice”.)

You say Usoma, I say Osama, let's just be glad that he's offed!

A day without wine is like a day without sunshine.  A day without Osama is a good fucking day!

Ecology groups worldwide protest President Obama for polluting the North Arabic Sea!

Qadaffi, Gadaffi, Osama, Usama come on now how freaking hard is it to decide how to spell a name.

BEER

Who buys beer cause it is low calorie?  If u want to get high and lose weight, smoke crack!

Happy Corona day, I mean Cinco de Mayo!  Tomorrow is Sixo de Mayo or hangover day, or is it “Lime” disease?

RETIREMENT
Being retired is like staying home with the flu...only without the flu!!
TGIF...wait, I’m retired, what the hell is the difference?

Opra retires. I told ya she wouldn't last!
I almost did something today, but I'm retired so I decided screw it!
MORE STUFF

The only thing I have successfully glued together with superglue is my thumb to my forefinger!

I hate the balding dude who judges Top Chef Masters.

Democracy is a political system where the people get to decide who screws them.....I choose Sarah Palin!

SHOTGUN WEDDINGS

I went to a shotgun wedding, it was a mixed marriage, the bride was 12 gauge the groom was a 20.

If Marge Schott had married Peter Gunn, it would have been a Schott-Gunn Wedding!

MY EX-WIFE JUST MIGHT HAVE PISSED ME OFF THIS DAY

Note to ex-wives of the world, smiling while you screw people over is not "being cordial"!  IT IS BEING A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FN BITCH!

I hate my first wife; if she weren't such a shit I would never have met my second wife.

Just because you smile as you shove a baseball bat up some ones ass do not think you are being cordial!

I call my second wife #2 because....well, #2 just seems to fit!!
Divorce was invented because "till death do us part" was just too harsh!!
I couldn't find an exorcist, so I got a divorce instead!
EVEN MORE STUFF
In my bucket list is to jump in a NYC cab and yell "follow that car!"
Happy Mother’s Day everyone! Why don't fathers get more respect? Every one of them is a Mother F*cker!
MY LAME ATTEMPT TO PROMOTE A SÉANCE BLOG
I got in a fight during a séance; actually it was just a spirited discussion.  
The latest thing is a dinner theater séance, dinner is expensive, but the spirits are free!
My eye doctor suggested contacts so i went to a séance.

I went to a séance it was ok, I think the medium was just average.
TV GENDER BENDING
Big night, DWTS then Bachelorette. Then went to the BR, pulled down my panties, sat down and peed!
Watching the Bachelorette; from the closet!
My wife has me watching “Sex in the City” and “Say Yes to the Dress”, Wait, let me check...pheew, it's still there!
EVEN MORE MORE STUFF
I went to a fair today.  I saw lots of kids who clearly only have 3 sets of great grandparents!
I wanted to be a poet, but all the really good rhymes were taken!
I lost my wallet in a haystack, but I did find a fu*king needle!

I demand they fire the dude at Kleenex that loaded my tissues upside down!!
A liberal is a person with an open heart and a closed mind.   
Some people look smart but are as dumb as a stump.  People that look dumb seldom disappoint.
RAPTURE
Did the world end? I was napping!
Where is the Rapture? Did I repent for nothing?
"Rapture? No I said raptor. You didn't see that big hawk at 6:00?" Harold Camping.
The world will end next week...or in 20011, depends on the decimal. But it will be on a Wednesday.
MORE EVEN MORE MORE STUFF
 Some people say driving and tweeting is dangerous. I disagree beca…..
What’s your favorite superpower? 90% of men answered x-ray vision. Why??
New diet says cut 100 cal a day lose 1lb a month. The average person probably should not do this for over 8 yrs!
Addition by subtraction- If you have shit u wouldn't pay 25 cents for at a garage sale, FN throw it away!
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